Posted in Depression, Learning, Life, Thursday

PTSD and Me

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In all of my life, it never occurred to me that I was going to have any type of mental illness, I thought my life was going to be spontaneous and it was. I thought to be quiet was your choice, and being loud was for people that wanted attention. I thought that being dumb was because you didn’t use your brain by thinking, and being smart was from reading and being taught new knowledge from advanced people.  I thought the feeling was a form of touch, as it is also feeling with emotions. 

I thought that the friends you grew up with were going to be life long, and the family you had would never leave you.  It is hard having PTSD you don’t want to be all alone but that’s how you feel and no sooner than that poof the family that you had are gone.  Did you know that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder most people have an not even know it, and once they recognize it they see it in different people they know? Did you know that Parent’s have it and their children end up with having PTSD?  Did you know that there’s no cure for NPD and no medicine to take for it but they have different kinds of medication for PTSD? My Parents have traits of NPD, and I was diagnosed with PTSD after a brutal Rape that happened when I was nineteen I’ve been through different trauma’s.

After giving birth to my three beautiful amazing children I was completely happy. 

 

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Posted in Depression, Frustration, Inspiration, Learning, Life, Thursday

Luke Combs – Must’ve Never Met You

This can mean for a guy too!!

Posted in Depression, Friday, History, Learning, Life

Narcissistic Mind Games You See In Families and How They Condition Their Children.

 

Narcissistic Mind Games of ASPD – Psychopath Violence – Victim Syndrome = I am in this group above on Facebook, it’s an amazing group that talks about Narcissistic Loved ones whom are in your life and the mind games and controlling behaviors they have.

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Look it up and read the articles on Google if there is any. I’m about to discuss what I went through as a child to adulthood, I was always told I needed help, I was taken to many different counselors, and Psychologist’s all told my parent’s that I was a rebellious teenager, and nobody called me more of a brat than my mother. My oldest sibling once  told me I was unwanted baby that she was given the opportunity to raise, that’s what she did. I have done some thing’s I’m not proud of, but if I was taught better and not abused physically, emotionally, and mentally I’d probably be more successful that I am now.  I don’t regret my life and the way it is now, I just have been and lived through more things that the average bear, LOL!

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However, I am an Entreprenuer. I made my own small business, I custom design Handmade Blankets and ship my items where ever they need to go, all I ask for is too be paid before you receive your blanket. Paid in the form of a money order in my name, and cash. Anyways I was explaining about my children and how successful they are and explaining my life to the group in a comment. My 1st born studying to become a Dr. in Psychology and Neuro Science, My 2nd born is a Pipe Fitter and has other area’s of study, plus a musician, my 3rd born was a manager and now has a job of Quality Control Specialist Appraiser. I think I have done pretty well for my children in their teaching’s while they were younger. They are building their empires now for themselves and their families. It’s not ONLY their successes it’s the struggle they went through to accomplish where they all are today. There might be one or two siblings that are jealousy of their intelligence my children have, I didn’t help them all the time with their homework, they are educated enough to do it for themselves.  I am very blessed with my children. My siblings children are successful too not sure about the struggles they’ve been through, 

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Now they all are babied so they don’t know how to act and behave around others. Sure they’re polite, but you don’t go around other family members at a family event talk about your aunt, which I wasn’t many steps away from them. When I heard them making snide comments about me, cause they said my name in conversation. Maybe it wasn’t right for me to correct them, but I felt I had too. when I tried to correct them I know they were thinking in their minds, I am starting drama! but in reality, I am merely teaching them both a different way to see thing’s. What they were taught is it’s not okay to gossip and that if they have a problem with someone to go and discuss it with them to get it resolved. The common sense should have been taught in an early stage and their parents are just making matters worse by conditioning their children.

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My siblings already have been calling me names that were recited by my parents, and after I came out of the hospital from having a nervous breakdown. I just try to over come their inability to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t think I’m wrong, I just think I’m knowledgeable, wisdom beyond my years, and educated in speaking with people in general. The know-how to express my feelings goes unnoticed a lot in the family. It’s a well known question they usually ask me on a daily, ” Did you take your medication today?” Just because someone has difficulty expressing their feelings with me in conversation, I’m usually at fault or blamed for anything they can put my name on. I try to defer the next explosion that comes after my upset and they make me cry caused by my internally guilty conscious from being a child.

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After I had my nervous breakdown I was placed in a hospital and then had no contact with my husband for he was pressing charges against me, he claimed I was violent. How that whole incident came about it I wanted to see my Dad by myself on Father’s day without my husband being around. He told me No, that he wanted to go with me. I didn’t want him to go and he became mad. We struggled and He pressed charges against me. After my hospital stay I had to live with my parents for a while like 3 months, it was nerve wrecking, Their adults calling me names I never heard them say. It was totally inappropriate and after I went back home I didn’t see them again, at least for a while. Now I’m trusted It took me two years in therapy and 3 doctor’s to see me well again, better than I ever was.

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I see the NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Traits in marriage as well in families, and friends too it’s hard cause you never thought they would play mind games to get what they want. I’m speaking Maybe it is a mind game that you have to decipher what it really is. he has a controlling behavior, and I try to go around his way of thinking. Mr. Perfect also tried to get my family against me as well as our children. This was an in depth problem that I was going through for year’s that I have focused and researched more on.

I understand the sickness and it’s frustrating. I’m overcoming it as time goes by and I keep researching this disorder to stay educated that I can spot it in anyone. The Golden child conditions the other siblings into controlling behavior through either parent. They also condition their children the same way, The scapegoat is the one that gets the negative treatment from the parents, friends, siblings, etc. . The parents of the scapegoats are verbally, Emotionally, physically, and mentally abused.  Break you down to the point of feeling worthless, all abusers don’t care about you, they are self centered, selfish and has an huge ego, they spend money freely like their bank account has an endless supply of cash flow. Supposedly

Posted in Abandonment, Depression, Life

Depression ~

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Many people have it, we all get depressed over one thing or another. Some people it lasts their whole living life while other’s may heal from it through counselling, medication, or one day that might just snap out of it. For Example: I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have had it most of my life. I was brutally raped the age of Nineteen in a deep dark area in Detroit. It was a scary place late at night dropping friends off after working my one job stopped at a local club shooting pool. Something I will never do again and haven’t. I not only lost myself, I lost who I was, my virginity, all of my identification, my work-out gym clothes, my music at that time was on Cassette tapes and my car. The ignorant waste of flesh human animal placed a gun to my head at my temple  My Rapist till this day hasn’t been caught my case was all over the news …. I won’t finish this story cause it’s too hard for me to talk about still.

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The Images shown here of a Depressed, and Not Depressed Brain Scan probably scanned by Dr. Daniel Amen,  He wrote many books on “Change your Brain, Change your life.” He also made Compact Discs eight disc’s to be exact. Very informative for all types of Depression, Dr. Daniel Amen has YouTube videos that you can watch online, and he was on TEDtv also a wonderful program. Although he just doesn’t scan depressed brains, he scans all types of Brain Scans, Alcoholic, Drugs, etc.. 

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As a young child I remember I was so very scared of the dark, and I never knew why! My Siblings who were all older than I. They would literally hide me in cupboards, closets, under beds, where ever they could find a place from my Father. I don’t remember much, but I was told I was a Brat. How can a small child be a Brat? My mother would call me that name and a few other names. Every time my father came home he was told from my mother that I needed spank with the belt, a thick belt at that. I don’t remember what for either. I was pushed away mostly everyday from my mother she would basically talk on the phone complaining about something, asking about card night, bowling schedules  with her friends. She would also talk about my father about his job, his outings with his friends from work, my siblings, my grandparents, what my father would buy her, vacations they would go on, what kind of car she was driving, etc.. I remember this one day I came downstairs from my bedroom went to get some cereal and milk, she told me as she was talking to her friends really early in the morning making plans for the week ahead, when you’re done eating your breakfast I want you to go outside and play with your friends, don’t go past five houses down, and when I call you for lunch (if I was called) to come inside for lunch. Usually I wouldn’t be called in until the street lights came on. That was a typical day everyday until we went on a vacation, or I was in Elementary school. 

42341ba83ef93428b753635f8ac02164_jouska-the-untold-her-18th-birthday-wattpad-sad-girl-looking-out-window-drawing_736-5 I don’t remember much when it came to junior high school. Dance’s  were allowed,sleepovers weren’t allowed, Birthday parties with friends weren’t allowed. She had strict rules my mother did. When I reached High School she bought me really pretty clothes and I think it was because again she didn’t want to look bad in front of the neighbors. and I was allowed to wear a little bit of make-up and do my hair.  Wasn’t allowed to date anyone until I was much older, but we all break the rules and I paid dearly for them. I would run away an awful lot, I gotten pregnant and hid my pregnancy from my siblings and my parents well. After I graduated my mother sent me away to my sister’s house and the next couple of days they paid for the abortion, you know I was six months pregnant. I wanted to keep my son so badly but I was shunned by my parents mainly by my mother cause she had an image to portray with the neighbors. I haven’t forgave her I don’t think.

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Pencil Sketch Image Sad Pencil Sketches Of Sad Face Ideas – Drawing Art Collection – DRAWING ART IDEAS

I was abandoned by family after my abortion, I was kicked out of their house so I moved in with friends, and they brought me back home. Never ending verbal and mental abuse. I was told my mother never wanted me, how she wanted another boy instead for my father, she lost a baby before me.  I had a hard life, and I believe my mother has narcissistic traits, and she was diagnosed as clinical depressant years ago. I’ve had ptsd and depression most of my life.